It’s 3 AM, i’m closing down the home for the night, pulling down blinds, turning off lights, and getting ready to lock the door. When suddenly on impulse, on a whim, completely out of the blue, shoots an idea that i’m going to go out on the edge of the stone hill by the water, and just stand there, breathe and try to center myself before bedtime.
I put on my crocs, and i fumble down to the beach where this hill is located. I realize that as i left my home, i had left my phone, i have no source of light to help guide where exactly to find footing on my way to edge of the water. I decide fuck it, my home is right there, but i’ll go without the light this time. The coarse sand is getting in my crocs, and covering the bottoms of them as i step onto the hard stone surface leading toward my destination.
I walk out there, my vision hasn’t adjusted properly, so under my soft plastic shoes, i feel every rut, every rock, i feel my feet slip on certain steps due to the sand and the stone not meshing, i can’t say with any semblance of certainty that my next step isn’t going to cause me some kind of harm, but i push on towards the edge of the hill.
Every step is a bit of a fumbling mess, not a drop of alcohol in my system and i did more fumbling on these 3 minutes of walking from my home to the edge of the water than i have done in months. a lighthouse at sea and a couple of lanterns on the other side of the water somewhat help me distinguish the hill and the water, and i make it to where i intended to go.
I stand there, i take in the sound of the waves rocking back and forth, the wind breezing past my face, the temperature not registering as too cold, the little flickering lights of the lighthouse and lanterns in the waves, There is a tranquility in this moment, a soothing moment all to myself he between this little stone hill, and the vast pitch black ocean in front of me.
I close my eyes, i breathe slowly, i think about and i manifest to myself, i’m not going to strike out this time, i’m going to make this happen, i’m going to finally take these first steps towards being happier, towards something that could resemble contentness. I affirm to myself that the things that have happened so far this year, are not going to linger as weight i carry from the past, nor is it going to define my future. What it is going to do however is bolster my now, its going to give me the balance that i need to accomplish the things that i want to have happen.
I stand there for a while, i take a deep breath, and i feel a certain calm go over me as i stretch my arms out wide, accepting the moment i am in.
As i turn around to go back towards my home, my vision has adjusted, i see the way back more clear than i did the way to my destination, and halfway on the way back, i realize. I just lived through a metaphor for my own life.
I treaded in darkness, i kept stumbling as i faced the unknown, but i kept pushing forward no matter what i felt was happening. I reached the goal i intended to reach, and the road back was way easier because i had experienced something i didn’t know with certainty would go well.
What did i learn, its ok to not be fully prepared and take a plunge into something unfamiliar for the fuck of it, risks be as they may, just to have done it, and when i get back, i am one experience richer than before.
Its remarkable, the things a human mind can teach you when you reflect on something, and you are open to listening.