I skipped a day.

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Yesterday i took to just kinda think and dwell on whats been going on. And today in many ways seem to be the same. i feel like this blogging stuff really will be a chronicle of my headspace, no form rhyme or reason, just thoughts. And thats exactly what i’m doing now.

I examined myself thoroughly, and i’ve found, Im outright dreadful at maintaining myself physically. Even now, i’ve been eating the skin my fingers, my nails are all bitten, i have eczema in various areas of my body that the last day or two, I’ve been more content with scratching than trying to maintain/fix. Haven’t shaved, I’m loitering around the house in my sweatpants, skin peeling here and there, and on the scales i’m a solid 14 stone (88 Kg)

I’ve never been in as poor shape as now. And I don’t want that for myself. I don’t want to be miserable and frustrated from looking at myself in the mirror. But thats really been the thing since the ordeal with getting this house started. Not saying thats an excuse, but to say a lot of my time and effort was spent trying to fix everything but myself, thats no understatement.

How obvious is it that i need to do something about it? In particular two instances come to mind.

One time this summer, my dad, who in later years has become a very active walker and prides himself on going for long walks quite frequently, or even runs on a treadmill or out and about. He asked me to join him. I did, and said however long you walk, i’ll join, no worry. He planned out a 10k route for us to walk, and we started.

Not half a kilometer in, my heartrate hit the ceiling. 210 bpm. from walking. I couldn’t walk the entire route and had to turn around with 5k to go. Its the first time in my life where i had to give up on a physical activity like that.

True story, i have had this happen here and there since 2012 with very little activity, where my body hits the big red button and i have what i can only assume is a stress induced panic attack. I assume because no matter when i go in for a doctors appointment to have it checked, they probe me with needles, they do EKG tests, they ask for what i was doing. and every time, just nothing. no answers, nonethewiser, though i’ve had it confirmed once that none of it is fatal.

To have it happen on a walk with my dad, a dude who has shed shitloads of weight by being determined and sticking with it and doing it his own way, for him to witness that his kid, who has always been in rather physically decent shape, and had an endurance most could envy… That was a miserable walk home, and sticks with me as something really sour to have happen to me.

The second time, was right before i left for Uni a month ago. Where my loving grandmother that i adore with every fiber of my being, gave me a good long hug, looked at me and in the nicest way possible like only she can do, said i had gotten fat.

Nothing malicious to it. Maliciousness is not something she is capable of. And in recent times, words have started to evade her more. Meaning every word she formulates and speaks, she means and feels wholeheartedly. Again. Love my grandmother, and its nicest way to let me know that anyone ever could present, still sucks to hear and digest.

That, along with having no internet, has made me realize ” i need to do something, so why am i not doing anything?” and its all in between the ears. anything i want to do, i do it immediately, no questions asked. But anything i should do, thats usually more difficult. So i picked up a book i bought in february and just never really started reading. Called “Positively Unstoppable” by former World Heavyweight champion, turned fitness guru. Diamond Dallas Page.

I had read my way into the third chapter before putting it down the first time. This time i started back at the beginning. Took an old notebook, and tore out the useless notes i had from last year. and wrote “Owning it” on the front. because DDP’S book keeps saying i have to write it down. and i have done so.

Part of what i have to write is the excuses i tell myself, like “Oh im not a morning person because…”. And then tell myself the actual truth of the matters i jot down, such as, “you are way to comfortable in between the sheets to yourself to really want to get up and seize the day. i done 3-4 of these, and its been to the point where, i could feel tears wanting out. At the sight of these just stupid lies and things i hold as truth for myself.

I also skipped to the back of the book and discovered that DDP has been a sweatheart and put a just fantastic workout plan from his “DDP YOGA” in the back half of the book, which i’m eagerly reading my way towards trying and doing properly. All in all reading this book feels like a bit of clarity to me. common sensical things that you usually don’t think about are put word for word the way i feel id need and want to hear them. And while it serves as a nice guide. the point of the book is for me to take control myself, And i feel im starting to get my hands on the reigns, like just a massive tidal wave of creativity and productivity is heading towards me.

And i intend to change my life and habits accordingly.

Lets see how this goes, if im all just talk, or if i stick to this and become Kornelius. The just wonderful human being my parents and a smandering of people keep telling me that i am. Yes, i want to be that guy.

Damn, writing this stuff really is cathartic…

See you next time! and thanks for reading! <3

Kornelius

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