Quick Turnaround

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I wrote my last piece, and then not five minutes after hitting publish, i was out the door, and i went for my first run in months. Today i woke up with a smile on my face, and a sore body. I love it!

I read somewhere when i had my biggest period of exercise a couple years back, that if you wake up sore, you have made progress and pushed your own limits even if slightly. And so being sore hardly phases me, because to me in my head i know I’ve made progress and my body is doing work accordingly. I’m sure there is some fitness guru, and or consumer that would see that and tell me that what i’m writing is just absurd. I guess that depends on what you know towards what i know, and knowing my body, any time ive woken up sore, i’ve ultimately improved the next time i do it. As DDP keeps repeating in the book im reading “Repetition is the mother of learning” And that any negative can be turned positive.

The most wonderful example ive picked up from the book is from Thomas Edison, who made 10 000 variations of a lightbulb before finally figuring out the commercially sold lightbulb we have now. When questioned if he felt he had failed, he would respond “I haven’t failed, i have simply figured out 10 000 ways that it won’t work.

That sounds so foreign admittedly, and perhaps i could say the same about various parts of my CV. “I didn’t fail at my job that i quit prior to Uni, i gained experience there and found i could apply my trade and passion better in another field.”

It’s funny actually, with the book I’m reading. i seem to find various good tidbits that i can put into my own day that will not have me as bitter and pissed about things that didn’t go so well. Like said job i had prior to Uni. To be fair it took me going to that place, and becoming the most miserable I’ve ever been in my life, to realize and make genuine effort to find and do something better with my life. Its like that dump existed strictly for the purpose of fueling the bonfire brewing in my mind that i want more. i crave fulfillment, i desire success, and i marvel at the results i see now filtering in through the work i do.

Where people look to me for help on tasks, because i have proven knowledge and skill in certain things, some have even come to me and argued adamently that i’m one the most rounded in the class as far as skill. And while that is a neat boost to level my ego, which i have and i hide well. It’s much more a rewarding feeling that people to ask, that they do see value in the work i do, that people with graphic design degrees and decades in the business will ask me for guidance, or reward my work with degrees like an 80/100.

More than the ego, and much more than being helpful. I find that most deep down, every time someone praises my work. It feels like taking a closed fist and jamming it right in the jaw of one of my former bosses.

While i love the feeling it gives me, i know it sprouts from being bitter. In all honesty, i am. I am bitter that i let myself slip into such an awful situation, and stayed there for the sake of getting by. I am bitter that i didn’t speak up when he shouted at me, that i didn’t argue back when he would shoot down work i had put pride and effort into for the sake of making his business look and function better than it did. And most of all, im bitter that ive been emancipated from that hell hole for over a year, and yet i haven’t been able to shake the resentment i have for that place, more specifically that guy.

Yet, like my mother tells me, and its the story i tell myself everyday to combat the feeling. “It took going to hell, for you to get to the cloud you are currently on” and she is absolutely right. Everything that’s happened since leaving there, getting into uni in Winchester, meeting new people, finding the love of my life and recently celebrating a year with her, getting the opportunity to work in marketing for a large Scandinavian company for 4 months and them wanting to keep me longer, becoming a business owner (yeah, thats a thing!), and being hailed as a great student by my fellow students and various lecturers at the academic top of their fields alike. I love life (even if yes my very self critical post would seem to say otherwise)

Will i shake that bitterness anytime soon, i don’t know. but like Edison, i will try, instead to use what everyone else would call a failure, as fuel to the fire i have had instilled in me since my Uni application was approved, to achieve great things for myself, to prove my skill and knowledge holds value. But most importantly, to prove that you should never let anyone tell you what you can and cannot do with your life. you only get one of them, and that pursuing your own happiness should always take priority above merely getting by.

So this is what talking about emotions in a healthy way means. It feels just as nice today as all the other days ive written, and then some. I think i love blogging..

Sincerely, Kornelius

(I’ve come to learn that these blogs sorta develop as i go along, i plan none of it in advance, and just kinda go along.

This post is very truthful, and could easily paint me as angry, and egotistical, and that i like complaining, but i’m not retracting anything. Since birth, i’ve been taught honesty is the best policy, and parts of this, i really haven’t been truthful with myself on, it should start there. and thats part of why i’m writing this actively now, i write out my thoughts, and use it as a therapy to be more honest with myself)

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